I feel like I may be living off fumes a bit.
To be present, to live deeply into something. But I feel as though I may be falling short. A roommate of mine gets sick, and I drive to Fred Meyer for a tea I think will help her from throwing up all night.
I don’t think too much about it in the moment, only that I want to help her feel better, and living with a group of people who are quite independent, we are often left to take care of ourselves in the midst of others busy (read: “busy”) lives.
Something that breaks my heart, is to see how far we’ve come to lose track of the ones we should be fighting for. My only hope is that one day, what I put into the Beloved will come back to me. I’m sure there is a practice for this. Some folks maybe call it karma, but I do it, regardless if I get it back.
I took a walk yesterday, to clear my head of some post-Thanksgiving blues, where each place I sat to eat felt a little scary and unsettled. I needed to regroup.
I sat in a park and watched a dog chase a ball. Back and forth. This dog, loved this ball. And its owner, who I’m sure has so much love for his animal.
I fight every day, questioning what’s important in this little bit of life I’ve been given here. How selfish do I need to be? How defensive and how many boundaries do I place around my heart? How do I begin to answer those questions?
There is much to say about giving.
(and I suppose the same goes for taking.)
I know in different seasons I will do my fair share of both.
I guess that’s what I’m thinking about today. It’s what hurts. Learning how to weather a downpour or two when the time comes. You’ll never really be ready.
This is a season of learning what I need.
I realize that might sound selfish. But I know a lot of what I need, is what you need. (And some things neither of us knew we needed.)
When you want to give so freely of yourself, it is important to create boundaries. But to have them retract and expand when you need them to. I feel like that takes work. No one wants to do it. But I feel, deep down, its importance.
It’s what I see when I dream.
When I put a plate down at your table.
When I let you in,
or put you on a pot of tea.
You are welcome to this. It is what I choose to give.
it is what I choose to give.