Are we okay?
Hmm. There’s a lot going on here.
Planet Earth and its billions of moving parts, we are bound to conflict and intersect.
In the midst of it all, some of us are preparing for interviews, funerals, war, or maybe a baby is about to be born. I am aware of the fear that resides in our bellies. Will we be good enough? Fast enough? Will we feel like we are enough?
I start doubting myself.
What if they need me to break down a fish — shoot, I should probably watch a few videos just to get a general idea. How do I show them that I like to devote myself to a craft and to a person.
I wrote a while ago about dating, and meeting new people.
How it’s hard to get an idea of a person with just one event. I suppose I recognize that. It’s a lot of pressure to feel impressive or cool or “having one’s shit together”. Nobody wants to be the person sitting on the other side of the table thinking, “Oh, they see it. They see how much of a mess I am. This is over. I am done. We should just go. I think I still have some ice cream in my freezer…”
I think about this more than I should. It’s a bit ridiculous, because I’m selling myself short. There’s no reason I shouldn’t be living out my potential every day. We read stuff like that all the time. To live in the present, and to be bold and brave and fail.
Only somedays, you want to stay inside and watch Netflix and be neutral. Not adding, or taking away from anyone.
So what do I do here?
I’m left at times feeling like a fish outta water. I don’t look the part. I don’t wear khakis to a bar, I like black and I wear thick glasses I’m sure people will tell me, when I lose them, that it was for the better. And I will chuckle and say something I don’t mean like, “Well why didn’t you tell me I looked so goofy?”
I write a lot about my table. It’s sort of a metaphor, but more times than not I find myself sitting across from people I wouldn’t seek out. For reasons I can’t explain, like maybe they’re far more attractive than me, or their interests are nowhere close to mine. At the end of the day, we are all just trying to gain a bit of safety from the world. I think my table has a lot to offer.
You see those cracks there? Yeah, that happened not too long ago. That was rough. I didn’t know if I was gonna make it out alive.
This edge here? Yeah, it’s so much smoother than it used to be. I used to run into all the time and it would send a sharp pain up my back and it would take me a while to recover. I would say to myself, “I really should fix that, I just don’t have the time..”
Oh, well my friend was walking around and saw it, and thought of me. I love when people say things like that. “I saw this, and thought of you…” That makes me feel most special. It makes me feel like there’s a piece of my spirit hanging with them, wherever they go. And that sounds really interesting, because sometimes that’s how we talk about the ones who have passed. Only, I am still alive and my memory is strong.
Oh! Let me fill your glass, because that’s important to me. I see your cheeks are a bit red, so I grab more water.
All this stuff is important, I say to myself.
And I guess, what I hope for people to see in me, is that they feel important when they are with me. Regardless of our daily battles, in that moment, cheeks red and wandering eyes, you are important.
You are at my table, and here, everything is important.