I’m getting a little fatter.
Softer, for sure.
I’ve had the past two months off and I’ve come to start calling it my sabbatical.
That, by the way, will be coming to an end in a few days once I start back to work.
It’s all a bit too much, sometimes. I recognize the luxury in these past two months. It’s been so nice to feed and take care of myself, as well as others. But I guess mostly myself, if I’m honest.
I think I needed to. I needed to be a little selfish for a bit, on and off. Not that those who know me would call me selfish, but deeply, I have been loving this little break. Waking up when I wake up, making coffee and choosing between eggs or oatmeal. Or cold pizza.
Decadent, is a word to describe this time. Loads of people, taking care of me, buying me drinks and listening to me ramble, sometimes due to said drinks. Hugs and meals and watering my little plants outside. I feel like maybe I’m bursting a bit at the seams, and no, that’s not a weight joke.
Okay, it sort of is.
Everyone I know wants to lose weight and be more active. They want to do things better. But at the end of the day, if you’re in love, or even just love yourself like you’re supposed to, you will drink a milkshake and fall asleep watching Jimmy Fallon. Allow yourself that, every now and then.
I was reading outside yesterday, with my bare feet and my long toes were digging themselves into the damp, cool soil. I looked up and saw birds at different heights making different songs. The contrast of blue and brown and green. This is what it feels like to fall in love with a place…this is what it feels like to heal.
With my eyes now watery and the weight of my heart I could feel beating in my neck, I said thank you.
It was as if the bad of the world had come and gone, and I was left with what made this world beautiful from the very beginning.
The next morning I woke up and sat in my own presence. Certainly, there were other things around. Perhaps the quiet of the morning is still a little unsettling sometimes…when you’re not kissing someone goodbye, or telling them you’ll let them know about dinner.
Mix that with a rush of blood to the head and the realization that things have changed so much.
It is okay. Especially to feel again how the world has shifted for you, as small of a thing that you are.
It washes over me, like I’ve expressed before, and now I am in it.
and I feel things so sharp and bright. I am sad, for not just my pain, but for other peoples’ too.
I think to myself, it’s time to start moving again.
I look back on the recent weeks, and I see myself, gaining composure. Thinking:
There is just so much to do. So many things to see, and a life to grow into!
Like them okra plants out back, bursting out of the top soil and into the sun as though to say hallelujah.
They praise the sun, and I am so proud of them.
I wait with them, slowly, but still nurturing and I promise that I will put them into something bigger when I see that they need more space.
Slowly, they rise to the sun, and I watch them…
feelin’ so so proud