I can feel these last tugs at my heart.
Like the last kicks of an animal,
or being just too tired to hang on.
I’d like to say that whatever it is I’m falling into, is good.
I never see a pit of despair or some endless road on a hot day.
It’s been a week, for me, though.
Sitting in the Social Security office working on getting my name changed back and having to sit over divorce papers yet again and to explain my situation.
“Oh, so you just want ‘Casper’ then, right?”
A few taps on the backspace button and that was it.
“Hmph…” I mumbled, as I do when I listen to people talk about hard things.
“You should be getting your new card within two weeks.”
And all of a sudden, things were back how they used to be. (On paper.)
I remembered our tireless conversations in cars. How hard it was to think through all of this. It really did make sense to take your last name too. I was proud of that. A lot of people were weird about it, the state itself, but it was challenging. It was a little hard to die to one’s self. Not that I mean that in a depressing way, but in the way we should all be giving and taking.
Thanks for your grace in that, too.
I’ve given up on having my shit together. Granted, in the kitchen, it’s a little different. It’s my job to have my shit together.
But when I’m sitting across from you, I’d like to think that I’m all yours. I also hope that you allow me to rest and say no from time to time. The balance of yes and no is hard. I’ve been saying yes a lot, because it gets me out of a lot of hard and lonely nights. But the nights that I say no, I find a way to keep moving.
Perhaps a text to a friend saying, “Sheesh. What do you do when you’re mad?”
Because that’s really important. That’s when other people shed a little of their grace on you, for free. Luckily it’s free to give — and is more valuable than anything in the world. At least it is to me.
Yeah, I feel a lot of things in a day.
And also it’s been a really challenging week. It probably has for you, too.
You’ve felt too rushed. You said yes when you really wanted to say no.
Your heart is broken.
You ate your cheeseburger too fast.
Or maybe, you took a few steps out of your own hell because that’s how it works.
Just a few steps. Messy ones. Loud and clunky.
I lay my head back and examine my space.
I hear cicadas outside singing in rhythm to this hot day.
My own heart is making its rounds. Seeing people it misses and building itself up for a new day. It’s important for me to make this space for myself. I suppose it is sort of a luxury.
But then again, I have a lot of little luxuries in the form of hot tea and a place that I get to lay down my arms.
It always comes back to me being thankful. It takes time to get there, but you will find always, little pockets of helpers and lovers and healers. Let em’ fill you up.
Because today, my cup is overflowing.