Slowly pivoting as to not spill my hot tea and mess of scrambled eggs I have mounded on a tiny plate.
I grimace a bit, due to the misfortune of fracturing my foot at work.
I am not good at this. I am not good at this!
That is what I say in my head, and for most people who find themselves all of a sudden limited to what they can and can’t do. Even more so, as walking is a bit of a chore.
How do I manage to move around this heavy frame so softly? I can’t say that I do so very well. As a matter of fact, I ripped off the towel rack in one of my best friend’s bathroom trying to save myself from a bad foot placement. Luckily, he laughed after I apologized. Thankful for that grace, indeed.
I fear for my high center of gravity.
Slow moves. Robot-like. Sliding my gimpy leg as to not put too much pressure on broken bits.
I am not good at this.
I move back and forth between my couch and my bed. My tiny bottle of pain meds sits next to my heater that can barely keep up the warmth in these old timbers. When I am finally warm, wrapped in my blanket, and the pulse of my right foot dies down to a low slumber, I am grateful for the rest. I happily slide into my worn down pillows and click off the tiny lamp that lights my late night wanderings.
The morning is stiff. A little bit better, I think. I would wake myself up in the middle of the night, jolts of electricity running through my leg from twisting my foot in an odd way. I sit up. Shake it off, and fall back asleep. Less so, now that I’m adjusting.
Sitting in the clinic, I think, “Of course I’m going to write about this!” Because that’s just what I do. I see myself in story.
I can’t help but to wonder when this great moment of clarity will come — when I will feel that all was for this one reason. I don’t think that’s how it will work. But I woke up this morning and felt like I had moved around some heavy things in my dreams.
During the night I would stir about, feeling like I was rearranging some heavy boxes. Much like the one I jammed my foot into. I was pushing them different places. Still able to be found, but in a way, making room for other things. Like new people. New feelings. New thoughts on God and love, giving my body the space to heal from all sorts of things.
It is never a bad thing, finding new light within your soul.
It is there, always, covered up by bombings and elections and having one’s heart broken into a million pieces.
making room for the light to get in.
I suppose when I think about cracks and broken spaces,
they allow room for exposure.
And I think that maybe, Rumi says it best:
The wound is the place where the Light enters you.