These days, my life is about submitting,
and pushing through barriers I keep around my heart.
I dislike that I am so very stubborn at times.
I also have a thing with male authoritarian figures.
Maybe that’s why I work better under women chefs than men.
But let me digress, as I do.
Because my heart is feeling a little wild and raw today.
I am all over the place in my head, trying to figure out what is good and real, and what’s fleeting and exhausting. Wouldn’t we all love to know what is good for us now and also 20 years from now? Yeah. Same. I’m working it out, apparently.
As I digest this life, it is often sour and turns in my belly.
Then there are moments like yesterday, where I felt like a kid, wandering through rows of vegetables and scratching the bellies of tiny puppies with a cup of sweet tea at hand.
There was the sweat dripping off my face and onto my glasses. The bugs buzzing in my ears and the new community forming around my heart. I was a little overwhelmed, as I get from time to time in these sacred places.
Rows of tomatoes, branches hanging deep with em’ and some that were showing off a little earlier than their green branch mates.
Squash blossoms and pattypans.
Sweet onions and crunchy okra.
My heart swelled.
My new friend Dale said, “The way Josh sounds when he talks about cooking, is the same way I talk about eating..which means he really loves to do it…”
I stick my head down, because when people say things like that, it puts me on the spot and I smile and shake my head approvingly.
But I will never apologize for being shy, or quiet. I like being a gentle presence.
Yes, fortune favors the bold, but also the meek will inherit the Earth.
so they say.
I am flustered.
From work being busy, and me being in the awkward position of not knowing where things are, but working damn hard at trying to be good at what I do. And that my apartment is missing something, and I can’t figure out what it is. I think maybe people. Maybe some more color. A different smell.
I am going in a million different directions, sometimes.
But yesterday, I walked down the rows of vegetables, smelling heads of broccoli and bending deep down for the perfect blossom. Flies and bees and white moths circling the heat and stench of a proper garden. Goats, horses, chickens, and cute baby things.
I scratched the belly of the puppy that was playing with my shoestrings, as I found it trying to dig through my groceries that were just pulled up from the ground.
I was also overwhelmed with everyone’s kindness and generosity and humor.
I am still so thankful when I get to receive in abundance.
Even when it’s just a brown bag full of squash, it is a little bit of heaven on Earth.
Every day, I glide through people like them rows of vegetables, not knowing of the battles they carry in their own hearts.
Should we have kids?
What’s wrong with me?
I am so tired of feeling lost.
I battle my own.
Why is it so hard to accept love back?
I don’t even know how I deserve this…
I hope I’m doing a good job.
I let them flow through me,
and I breathe in deeply.
Yes, I deserve the love that I give.
And I will remember to keep my plow to the Earth.
Breaking through the surface, to plant and nurture and grow.
reaping what I have sown,
giving thanks to the Great Mother who still holds me close,
and the Great Mystery that dwells inside of my heart.